My Father’s a Homo/ Everyone Tells Jason To See a Psychiatrist

[Jason]
My father’s a homo
My mother’s not thrilled at all
Father homo
What about chromosomes?
Do they carry?
Will they carry?
Who’s the homo now?
My father said that one day I’ll grow up to be president
And that idea’s not so wild
I don’t live the life of a normal child

‘Cause I’m too smart for my own good
And I’m too good for my sorry little life
My mother’s no wife
And my father’s no man
No man at all!

[Trina]
Honey, why don’t you go out and play?

[Jason]
No

(Jason begins to play chess with himself. Quickly playing one side, turning the board, moving a piece, turning the board again, etc.)

[Trina]
Sweetheart, I worry
Sweetheart, I do
I worry a lot
I worry a lot
I worry a lot

I could take you to the Jewish center?

[Jason mocks throwing up.]

[Trina]
I think you like playing chess alone
That’s not normal

[Jason]
What is normal?

[Trina]
I wouldn’t know

Why don’t you speak on the telephone
With anyone, just get a friend—
Anyone

Darling, please, see a psychiatrist
He’s quite a guy
And I admire how he acts
No one is saying you’re a sick neurotic
But you could find some help
Hear me out, please
Yes, you could find some help
He could help you realize

How confused you are!
Yes, it’s very clear
Daddy’s sincere
But a schmo!
You and I must trust our emotions
Make no commotions
Will you go?

[Jason]
No!

[Marvin]
Jason, please see a psychiatrist
He’s just a psychiatrist
I’ll pay the bill until you’re old

[Marvin]
Jason
​Please see
​A psychiatrist

He’s just
​A psychiatrist
I’ll pay the
​Bill
​Until
​You’re old Trina
Darling please listen
​To your father here
He’s not a genius type
Lord knows, but he
​Knows what’s true
He chose a man who I
​Think knows the answers
​To all your problems
Mendel understands
​What’s bothering you

[Jason]
No
I won’t go

I will not go

Never never
Never never
Never

[Jason]
Forget it

[All]
What a mess this is
This family!
Experts can see
This is so!

[Photo flash; they all make faces like a parody of a happy family portrait, then relax.]

Photographs can’t
Capture our magic
We’re simply tragic!

[Marvin & Trina]
Will you go?

[Jason]
No

[Marvin & Trina]
Jason, please see a psychiatrist!
He’s not—

[Jason]
I won’t say boo!

[Marvin & Trina]
—Exorbitant
And he’s very smart!

[Jason]
If intelligence were the only criteria
Then I wouldn’t really need a psychiatrist, would I?

[Trina]
No

[Jason]
Would I?

[Marvin]
No

[Jason]
Just because you failed as parents

[Trina]
Get thee to a psychiatrist!

[Marvin]
Hey, kid, listen—

[Jason]
I don’t need—

[Trina & Marvin]
He needs a psychiatrist!

[Jason]
I want—

[Trina & Marvin]
A psychiatrist!

[Jason]
I wanna speak with Whizzer!

[Marvin]
Speak with whom?

[Jason]
With Whizzer

[Marvin]
With Whizzer?

[Trina]
With Whizzer

[Jason]
With Whizzer

[Marvin]
Oh my God

[Trina, Marvin & Jason]
Whizzer!
Whizzer!
Whizzer!
Whizzer!

[Whizzer kneels between Marvin and Jason.]

[Jason]
Whizzer, do you think I should see a psychiatrist?

[Whizzer]
I’m not sure, Jason
Jason, maybe so
Absolutely, Jason

[Jason]
Okay, I’ll go

[Whizzer]
He’ll go

[Jason]
I’ll go

[Trina]
He’ll go!

[Jason]
If he comes here

[Marvin]
If he comes here?

[Trina]
He might come here

[Marvin]
They don’t make house calls

[Whizzer’s watch alarm begins beeping.]

[Whizzer]
Oh!

[Whizzer turns off the alarm.]