The Baseball Game

We’re sitting
And watching Jason play baseball
We’re watching Jason play baseball!
We’re watching Jewish boys
Who cannot play baseball, play baseball!
We’re watching Jewish boys
Who cannot play baseball play

I hate baseball, I really do!
Unlike the rest of you
I hate baseball!

We really wish he’d take this more seriously!
It’s weird how he swings the bat!

It’s weird how he swings the bat
And why does he have to throw like that?

We’re sitting
And watching Jason make errors
The most pathetical errors!
We’re watching Jewish boys
Who almost read Latin
Up, battin’
And battin’ bad!

Remember Sandy Koufax!
You can do it if you wanna do it!
Take heart from Hank Greenberg!
It’s not genetic
Even you can be copacetic!
I think, I think
I think you can, I think you can!

We’re sitting
And watching Jason play baseball
We’re watching Jason play baseball!
We’re watching Jewish boys
We’re watching Jewish boys
We’re watching-
Slide, Jason
Slide, Jason!
Slide!

(Whizzer enters)
What is he doing here?
What are you doing here?
Jason asked me to come
Since he asked me to come, I came

Just what I wanted at a Little League game
My ex-husband’s ex-lover!
Isn’t that what every mother dreams about
Having at a Little League game?

Looking at Whizzer is like eating trayf
The kid was out!
The kid was safe!
The kid was out!
The kid was safe!

Hey!
I love baseball
I love Jason
That’s what I’m doing here
Hey, where the hell did they get that umpire?!

Look who’s here
Say hello
Hello

You’re looking sweeter than a donut
Marvin
Whizzer
Is he still queer?
Am I queer?
I don’t know!
Does it matter?

It’s been so long since I could tell
Sit in front of me
I wanna see the bald spot!
C’mon, c’mon
Move in front of me
It gives me pleasure to see the bald spot!
Since it’s the only
Physical imperfection that you’ve got
I wanna see it!
I wanna touch it!
I wanna run my hands through it!

We’re sitting
And watch the kid as he misses!
We’re watching Marvin throw kisses
We’re watching sixty-seven pounders
Watching Jewish boys miss grounders

Watching boys field, boys bat
Boys this, boys that-
Watching Jason on deck
Swinging the bat!

Hey, Jason
Oh, hi, Whizzer! Glad you came!

Keep your head in the box
Don’t think of a thing
Keep your head in the box
Your eye on the ball
Take a breath, then let it out
And swing!

Keep your head in the box
Don’t think of a thing
Keep your head in the box
Your eye on the ball
Take a breath, then let it out
And swing!

Okay, go get ‘em!
Even bald, he looks good
Just remember he’s psychotic
He looks damn good, but he’s cheap as dirt

Even maniacs can charm
Which he does, so beware
And just be careful
When he smiles that smile, avoid him
Or else sound the alert!

Whizzer?
Marvin?
Think there’s any hope for the kid?
I love Jason, but this is not his venue
How could I know, without him
My life would be boring as shit?

Jason! You gotta stand a little closer to the plate!
Oh, yes, it is-
He’s gonna be hit by the ball!
Please, God, don’t let me make the same mistake!

We’re sitting
And watching Jason, the batter!
We know our cheering won’t matter!
It is the very final inning
And the other team is winning
And there’s two outs, two strikes
But the bases are loaded and-

Would it be possible to see you, or to kiss you
Or to give you a call?
Anything’s possible
Jason
Hit the ball!
Run!