Words of Wisdom

Tom: I’m gonna come back and I’m gonna start–I’m gonna start a therapeutic massage center only for, for–
Mark: I’m going to start my own nudist colony!
Tom: That would be gross, you tried that in our bus one time
Mark: I tried to start our own nudist colony one time in our bus and it was pretty much just me hanging out naked

Mark: They love you Tom
Tom: They love me, so f*** everybody else!
Mark: Yeah, f*** all you guys out there that are cheering, ‘we hate you Tom, you suck dick, burn in hell’
Tom: Yeah, f*** that. Hey–Hey I say, I say f*** the hating-Tom-thing, that’s what I say. Are we ready Mark?
Mark: You know what it is, you know what it is? A lot of these people are just now jumping on the we-hate-Tom bandwagon, I’ve been hating Tom since like 1995. I’m old school hating-Tom-guy, alright
Tom: Yeah!

Tom: Oh shit, hey let’s all say some dirty words, everyone say ‘fuck!’, everyone say ‘shit!’, everyone say ‘dick!’, everyone say ‘Mark’s an asshole!’
Mark: Everyone say, everyone say ‘we hate Mark!’ Yeah!
Tom: Hey now let’s do this one, everyone say ‘fuck f*** shit f***!’. That’s the kind of words you should be using at home kids
Mark: That’s right
Tom: What do we do now?
Mark: I want everyone to call me an asshole again!

Tom: What’s up? I like your hair, it’s very nice
Mark: You like his hair? Oh cool, thanks, he probably appreciates that a lot
Tom: No I just–I wanted to say I liked your butt, but I thought that was too forward, you know

Mark: Hey, this next song is for all the ladies in the hezeouse yeah. It’s for all the ladies in the heaeaouzeouse
Tom: Hey Mark
Tom: Mark!
Mark: What?
Tom: Shut the f*** up!
Mark: It’s for all the ladies in the houaeoazeiouse

Mark: Wee! Hey, you know what, hang on, I wanna make this like a big golf–
Tom: (burp) Excuse me!
Mark: Excuse Tom
Tom: Sorry
Mark: I wanna make this like a big golf tournament, everyone shut up, everybody just clap like it’s a golf tournament
Tom: That’s what it sounds like when I get done having sex, 15,000 people cheering me on. I could take all of you in my bed right fuc*** now! But you’re not invited Mark

Tom: You have got giant boobs and I doubt you’re eighteen, do you have a note from your mom? I wanna meet your mom
Mark: Hey, put those thirteen year old boobs away! If I wanted to see thirteen year old boobs, I’d hang out by the junior high like my dad does

Tom: Hey, you know what I learned in fifth grade?
Mark: What’s that, your dad has a bent wiener?
Tom: My dad’s wiener was bigger than mine then and still is

Mark: I want everyone here to scream, ‘fuck you Tom, we fuc*** hate you, you’re going to burn in hell and die a horrible fiery death ‘cause we think you’re a stupid piece of shit!’
Tom: I heard that!
Mark: Thanks

Tom: You wanna give me your shirt? This smells like blood and feces. Dinner time! Okay what does this say here?
Mark: It smells like blood and feces, so it’s your dad’s shirt?

Tom: Hey uh, just like every other band we believe in a safe form of sex, don’t we Mark? That we do. So Mark will tell you about how safe we are
Mark: Let me tell you about the safest form of sex, it’s when you get super drunk and you have sex with like ten people totally unprotected and you do intravenous drugs at the same time, no it’s not true
Tom: It’s not true, you gotta carry a weapon
Mark: It’s not, it’s not true

Tom: How many of you guys have girlfriends and how many of you girlfriends have guyfriends? I hope you’re not having sex
Mark: And more importantly how many of you girlfriends have girlfriends?
Tom: ‘Cause we believe in the love that exists between two vaginas
Mark: The most special kind of love of all is the love that exists between two naked women while I watch

Tom: We need her to put her shirt back on
Mark: Please
Tom: It just took away my boner, my boner just died. I had one and now it’s gone. Hey Mark
Mark: Please I saw your boobs and my wiener ran away

Mark: Hey! Hey, hang on–hang on everyone, everyone seriously I need your attention for just a second please, I think somebody lost the contact down here, so everyone look around a contact lens, hey someone lost a contact lens so k–
Tom: I lost my virginity!
Mark: Keep an eye out for it!
Tom: I lost a testicle, hey what if testicles were things you could lose on an everyday basis? That would suck, you’ve only got three

Tom: Hey, I gotta go pee-pee
Mark: Do you wanna go pee and I’ll talk to the kids for a second?
Tom: Do you think you can talk for enough time?
Mark: No, uh
Tom: Why don’t you gather your thoughts–
Mark: Why don’t you just wet your pants and we’ll call it even?
Tom: Should I just piss in my pants right here? If you guys all each pitch in a dollar each I’ll piss my pants right here now, that should bring me about two hundred bucks maybe
Mark: I’ll give you three hundred dollars to piss your pants right now
Tom: I’ll give you four hundred bucks to eat my shit!
Mark: Sold!
Tom: Sold!

Tom: Apparently there’s a kid that’s hurt right now and I think they’re helping him out right now, it looks like they’re right there
Mark: Make a hole people, make a hole
Tom: All you people over there make way for the hurt kid and bring me their wallet

Mark: I wish now, you know, let me tell you guys something–
Tom: I’m gay!
Mark: There’s thousands and thousands of people here today, there’s like semis and fuc*** buses and multiple bands and all kinds of shit, I wish now I would have taken bass lessons, sorry, sorry
Tom: So do I, I wish you did too
Mark: I’m thinking for Christmas next year I’m gonna ask for lessons

Tom:
I know a guy
He has sex with his sister
He used his dick to pop her
Four foot blister
And I know it’s not that cool
He fuc*** her in my swimming pool
He’s got three testicles
And he–he loves to–do shit

Tom: Fuck yeah! Hey, how come every time we say a joke it has to be about fuc***, sex, masturbation, incest, or anything gross like that, you know?
Mark: Is there anything else in the world?
Tom: There’s nothing else to talk about

Mark: Hey, can you help that little girl out of there, she’s like not having so much fun right now, hey
Tom: Uh excuse me, security guard sir
Mark: The one right in front of you, here
Tom: Yeah that girl right there needs to come out. If you’re a small person the front is not the best view, and if you hate seeing shitty bands any of this is not a good view, this whole everything, everything here

Tom: Mark’s middle name is uh, Rebecca, they thought he was a–
Mark: That’s right, my name, my middle name’s Rebecca because my dad wanted a girl, he treats me like one

Tom: I still have to go pee and I’m holding it in still, I’ll piss my pants though for money. I’ll eat a nugget of my own poop for twenty bucks. I’ll pay you twenty bucks and I’ll eat it

Mark: You shave your ass!
Tom: You have hair on nothing but your balls! You got–Mark has no hair on his whole body but a fuc*** wolverine growing in his pants, I swear to God, it’s got teeth and shit
Mark: It’s true
Tom: He’s got a scary looking penis
Mark: It’s true, I need your tax deductible donations for the ‘Shave Mark Balls’ program, please
Tom: It’s for charity, kids
Mark: Send what you can, donate your time
Tom: You guys think that we’re touring for our own, no, this is a–this is a charity tour for Mark’s balls
Mark: We’re trying to raise enough money to shave my nuts, please give generously
Tom: There’s no metal strong enough to beat the teeth on any kind of electric shaver

Tom: What do we do now, oh I need a new guitar
Mark: We need a new guitar. We need a new guitarist. Anyone out there know how to play guitar? Oh, that guy does right there
Tom: Does anybody know how to play guitar ‘cause I’m not very good! People don’t really respect me!

Mark: If I were a girl, every time I went to the gynecologist, I’d fake an orgasm!

Tom: Bad kids!
Mark: Bad Christmas spirit!
Tom: Bad Christmas spirit!
Mark: Hey! Okay I need light now
Tom: We’re going to point out every single person that didn’t sing
Mark: Santa Claus is going to come to your house and shit under all your trees!
Tom: Santa Claus is gonna come rape your dogs!

Tom: Oh God, you know what? I’m kind of ashamed of being myself today, and yesterday and the day before that, not really proud of who I am or how I look. Everyone has to have one of those days where you, like, start to not even really like what you’re wearing, you know, don’t like how your hair looks, and kind of bummed about how your penis is so small and bent and weird

Tom: That is the ugliest butt I have ever seen. Let’s hear it for not wiping! And this guy ‘fuck wiping dude!’, brings down the rainforest! Okay this is a song I wrote
Mark: That guy has a science fair project up his ass

Tom: Uh what? Heads up seven up? Everyone close your eyes and if I come by and put my finger in your butt, you’re the one.

Tom: I think that Satan has a couple of comments
Tom/Satan: Well kids, it’s been a really fun show, and I want you all to know that we’ll come back soon. But before I go I wanna say I think Tom is extremely good looking and all the girls out there should think he’s good looking. Tom has one of the best butts that I’ve ever seen! Shimmy shimmy ko-ko-bop, shimmy shimmy right, shimmy shimmy ko-ko-bop. Does anybody here want to sleep with me? I’m really a nice guy! It’s really not Satan
Tom: It’s me, it’s not Satan, let’s all be happy he’s not here, say ‘fuck Satan!’. Alright, hey, I’m out of jokes and out of songs, I think we’re done